The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                    Hogspore News
                                                        By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                  Bickum going through mid-life crisis

   Junior Bickum got himself a tiny red English sports car. I don’t know who makes it, but the
model is the MLC. Junior has kids in school and a business to operate, but he said that he was
feeling like he was getting old. Course, if you’re not getting old, then you ain’t with us anymore.

   Junior said, "I wanted that motorcar, so I can be a player again.”

   I sez, “You are married with children and run a hardware store. You never were a player.”

   Mumford Pickens spotted Junior in his bright shiny automobile out on Highway 71. He said,
“He was tooling along with the top down, wearing goggles, with a neck scarf flapping. I saw the
name on the fender and started laughing. Still, I don’t reckon we should tell him that the MLC
stands for Mid-Life Crisis.”

   My momma had something to say about me referring to Harley Spears as mean Harley
Spears. She said, “Clet, I always told you not to call anybody mean. It’s not perlite. Instead,
you could say he’s persnickety.”

   I’m all of grown up now but I sez, “Yes Ma’am.” Then I asked her a question. “Was my
granny persnickety?”

   She said, “No, she weren’t persnickety. She was just plain mean.”

   The Christmas parade on Friday was a success. Nathan’s Plumbing entry was a tribute to
plumbers. Three pretty women in overalls rode on the float. They were waving toilet plungers
and tossing unwrapped Tootsie Roll candy at the youngsters. At least, I think they were Tootsie

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