The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                     Hogspore News
                                                          By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                   No black Friday after first Thanksgiving

   On the first Thanksgiving in America, the women didn’t shop the next day cause there
weren't anything for sale, cept Native American blankets but Squanto LLC wanted too many
beads for them. The pilgrim men didn’t go out hunting after Thanksgiving even when there
mighta been a lotta clean shots available on Bleak Friday. They sat in their straight-backed
chairs and burped on Friday, but still in the stern prim and proper Pilgrim way.

   Our town made it through Thanksgiving Day but put the city sewer system through its paces.
At least, the sewer lines were clear of grease. Folks save the lard and oils for cooking or starting
barbecue grills. Mostly men save that grease for the grills. Okay … it’s only the fellers that do

   Family and friends met at our 16-foot pine table in the kitchen and commenced to give
thanks. Some of us had four helpings of thanks. The last feller at the table, (I ain’t saying
who he is, but it’s always the same one), was sliding a lonely yeast roll through the gravy
boat, sopping up that final bit of giblet goodness. At our house, we call the 10-quart vessel
the USS Gravy Tanker.

   The days after Thanksgiving can bring on depression, probably from carbohydrate abuse
withdrawal. It feels a lot like when MTV stopped showing Madonna videos. Most townsfolk
come down slowly and self-medicate with leftover pumpkin pies and turkey and stuffing
sandwiches. There’s a danger in quickly decreasing overeating, so nobody does it cold-

   Thursday night, in bed, I was feeling like a full puppy. It was so blissful that I dreamed
I opened the refrigerator and for a while, I cuddled with the leftovers.

   News from Winslow’s Holler:  A cloud formed over Winslow’s Holler on Thursday.
It was from the holiday cooking scent of Hogspore mixing with smokehouses and outdoor
barbeques. The mass gelled and the wind carried it towards Little Rock, Arkansas.
A commercial airline flew through the ol' buttermilk sky. The aroma was so tempting
that the captain called the nearest airport for an emergency landing. The crew and
passengers were so hungry that the pilot asked for 20 food trucks to meet them on
the tarmac.

   Saturday, the boys got together at Tony’s Barbershop and come up with a few jokes that
were funny at the time. Anyway, here’s three of them:

   Why don’t centipedes wear shoes? They would never get any sleep waiting for one of the
other shoes to drop.

   Why did the circle know more than the square? Cause the circle has been around.

   What did the chef say to the apprentice who forgot the butter on the roasting turkey?
You did the baste you could.

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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