|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Public announcements for you
Here are some public service announcements: Stretching before exercise is important to
protect against injuries, so stretch before you settle into that Thanksgiving feast. Be careful
how much you spend on “Black Friday” so you don’t wake up to “In the Red Saturday.”
Here’s a tip for pet mules. If your mule ingests too much stuffing and mashed taters with
gravy at the Thanksgiving meal and is constipated, try some MetaMulecil. Now, I ain’t
suggesting that your mule sit at the family table. Let him eat at the children’s table … with
I seen a full-page advertisement on the inside cover of the Parade Magazine, the one that
keeps getting smaller. The editor has stopped using periods at the end of sentences to get
more unworthy news crammed into the 3 inch x 5 inch weekly.
The periodical has morphed into the Love Boat Gazette where aging celebrities go
before taking the slow limo ride in a Hearse. In the color ad, four times Super Bowl winning
quarterback Terry Bradshaw, wearing a suit and tie in the bathroom, was schlepping a
walk-in-tub with a free exclusive shower package. Looks like he traded the Steeler’s Steel
Curtain for a shower curtain.
Mr. Bradshaw, (I call him Mister cause he could still do some damage to me), was
speaking words to stir up a buying frenzy, “Trust me, your body will thank you!” He added
that exclamation point since he really means it. I bought that walk-in-tub with the exclusive
shower package, cause he was smiling and pointing at me.
Mumford Pickens says, “If you want to see the real America, subscribe to a small
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.