|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Town makes final payment on welcome sign
Hope everybody had a nice Veterans Day and celerbrated the men and women that served
in the military.
The city council paid the final payment for the town sign. The treasurer sent a 15-dollar
check for the last annual payment to Skooter Signs. Skooter Pyemon thought of the wording
for the sign that faithfully reflected the city’s attitude toward visitors: “Welcome to Hogspore.
Nothing To See Here. Keep On Moving.”
National news: Mississippi is the fattest state. It ain’t the state what’s obese, but the people
inside Mississippi. Course, you might say that they’re in a state of fatness. Colorado is one of
the skinniest, but the mountains might be a factor. Fat folks are more prone to fall off them
mountains. Once they fall, they’re just prone.
Freddy from the Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner told me he had a customer
that was arguing about what a rasher is. “Clet, I had to look it up. Turns out, we were both
right. A rasher means a thin slice of bacon or it’s also a portion of bacon, usually three or four
slices.” The previous lines satisfy the newspaper’s obligation to provide a public service notice
whenever we want to. It’s also somewhat of a tribute to the hogs in our community, both living
and hanging in the smokehouse. Life is a might better, cause of pork. I didn’t know, till I read
this again, that I was gonna tear up.
I’m getting used to the time difference. We all fell back one hour but nobody got hurt.
I changed the clocks in the house, but I’m gonna ask my granddaughter, Evangeline, to help
change the time on the telephone. Last year I reset the time correctly but I accidentally
switched the date to 1843. It didn’t work cause that was before the telephone was invented.
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