The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                     Hogspore News
                                                       By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                       Town makes final payment on welcome sign

   Hope everybody had a nice Veterans Day and celerbrated the men and women that served
in the military.
   The city council paid the final payment for the town sign. The treasurer sent a 15-dollar
check for the last annual payment to Skooter Signs. Skooter Pyemon thought of the wording
for the sign that faithfully reflected the city’s attitude toward visitors: “Welcome to Hogspore.
Nothing To See Here. Keep On Moving.”

   National news: Mississippi is the fattest state. It ain’t the state what’s obese, but the people
inside Mississippi. Course, you might say that they’re in a state of fatness. Colorado is one of
the skinniest, but the mountains might be a factor. Fat folks are more prone to fall off them
mountains. Once they fall, they’re just prone.

   Freddy from the Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner told me he had a customer
that was arguing about what a rasher is. “Clet, I had to look it up. Turns out, we were both
right. A rasher means a thin slice of bacon or it’s also a portion of bacon, usually three or four
slices.” The previous lines satisfy the newspaper’s obligation to provide a public service notice
whenever we want to. It’s also somewhat of a tribute to the hogs in our community, both living
and hanging in the smokehouse. Life is a might better, cause of pork. I didn’t know, till I read
this again, that I was gonna tear up.  

   I’m getting used to the time difference. We all fell back one hour but nobody got hurt.
I changed the clocks in the house, but I’m gonna ask my granddaughter, Evangeline, to help
change the time on the telephone. Last year I reset the time correctly but I accidentally
switched the date to 1843. It didn’t work cause that was before the telephone was invented.     

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