|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Mayor’s mother wins best costume
Hogspore took on Halloween the way it deserved to be celerbrated. There was a parade on
Main Street full of kids in scary costumes that ended at city hall where the Mayor judged the
best costume. A gray-haired witch won the award. The crowd complained when the hag
turned out to be the Mayor’s mother, the Widow Fenster. The mob picked out another winner.
It was a little feller with orange hair in a big peach suit with a giant M painted on it. The mega-
M mighta stood for the initial of a girlfriend’s first name. Nobody knows for certain who that
orange-haired M Peach was.
Me and Punkin celerbrated our wedding anniversary on November 2nd this year cause
that’s when it was. I forgot to remind folks not to get us a remembrance or present, but it
worked out, since nobody did. If you ever make a mistake and do ship something, we can
only accept gifts of 25 dollars or less. If we do receive the more expensive gifts, then we violate
some kinda ethical thing. It’s still all right, if you send us separate 25 dollar presents. I guess
that would be ethical … and appreciated.
Yesterday I kept getting phone calls from Morton Trubletoof. I heard background sounds,
but he wasn’t speaking to me. I yelled out. He didn’t say anything, so I hung up. This happened
throughout the day till six PM.
I knew he ate supper around then, so I called his house. He answered. I asked, “Why did you
keep calling today, but not talk?”
He said, “Oh I’m sorry. I carried my cell phone in my back pocket all day. It musta
accidentally dialed you every time I sat down.”
I sez, “I figured something was going on. Mumford Pickens says those are butt calls.
I’m just mighty glad that your butt didn’t leave any messages.”
While we’re talking about rear ends, whenever the great humorist Will Rogers was
constipated, he would say, “I never Metamucil I didn’t like.” Humorists are what we call
wealthy almost retired comedians. Will Rogers never said that last sentence. If he did, no one
ever read it or heard it.
Mumford Pickens says, “If you see a picture of yourself standing bowlegged, looking down,
with your mouth open, then you are an old man.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.