The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                  Hogspore News
                                                     By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                               Bamboozled by bamboo floor deal

   Junior Bickum was complaining in Tony’s Barbershop about some inferior flooring. Junior
said, “The Little Rock, Arkansas HomeMart lumber store had a sale on bamboo flooring. I took
my truck to get some to cover my living room. It was only in for two weeks and it started
buckling. Turns out, it was mostly vinyl. There weren’t enough bamboo in the stuff to feed
breakfast to a baby Panda.”

   Mumford Pickens shook his head, “Junior, you got taken with that bamboo deal. I believe
you was bamboozled.”

   Here’s a national scoop: Mattel Toys is updating accessories since the Barbie Doll turned
60 this year. In November, they’re introducing the first knee joint replacement. The cute
plastic prosthesis, Shake a Leg Barbie, comes with a tiny saw to remove the junky joint, glue
with blending dye to smooth it into a natural looking knee, and a mini-chrome walker for her
rehabilitation period.

   Another item is the Malibu Dream House bathroom renovation kit, which includes a walk-in
bathtub. Other home extras are a ramp with rails for the front door and a Barbie medical alert
necklace to wear if she is alone.

   Mattel’s not forgetting the dream girl’s gang. Best friends, Midge and Skipper are gonna get a
Meth Lab Dream House with aluminum foil in the windows. Barbie’s boy friend, Ken receives a
bottle of blue Gummy Bear pills. It doesn’t sound like Mattel has thought this one through.
It might be a cart before the horse thing.  

   There’s some exciting news for the ancient Ken dolls out there. The GI Joe factory still has
the original toy molds, and could reproduce any part. Maybe the only option for Ken is a
transplant from a GI Joe donor.  

   Mumford Pickens says, “It’s okay to hurry if you have to, but never let anybody see you

   Widow Fenster is getting so old that she’s thinking about winding down her life. She said,
“The only item left on my bucket list … is to kick it.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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