|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Harley married a mail order bride
Harley Spears, who is somewhat mean, ornery, and lives outside of town, was relating about
his recent nuptials. I like saying nuptials instead of marriage cause it sounds slightly improper,
but maybe that’s just me. He said, “I married one of them MOOOTCB’s (mail-order-out-of-this-
country brides). I ain’t telling where she’s from, so nobody gets offended. She’s great. After
only two months of matrimonial bliss, she already knows every aisle in the grocery store. She
can drive the buckboard, and she cooks and cleans.”
Harley went on, “But recently, she’s not so lovey-dovey. I like saying lovey-dovey better than
smoochy-whoochy, but maybe that’s just me. Now she says that she don’t feel friendly.
I asked her, ‘Are you sure you want to act cold?’
She said, ‘Yes.’
I dialed my phone, ‘Can I speak to someone about marriage fraud?’
She grabbed the phone and hung it up. ‘Ok, Ok, I love you long time.’”
Remember, I told you right off that Harley Spears was mean and ornery. It turns out that
mean and ornery folks are the ones that need the most love. That might sound too sensitive
for a man to spout, but it’s okay. I’m gonna have to stop using my wife’s estrogen cream on my
The Little Miss Hogspore Pageant is coming up on Saturday, October 19. This year the rules
are strict: No boys allowed, not even boys who identify as girls, or wear pink, or can twirl a
baton, or keep their bedrooms clean, or don’t crack their knuckles, or don’t loudly burp every
The elementary school principal, Imogene Scoggins, is to be the emcee and judge.
The judging standards are changed, no more bribes from wealthy grandparents, poor
grandparents, or poor grandparents that identify as wealthy grandparents. Principal Scoggins
issued an announcement, “The pageant will be conducted in a logical and precise manner.
There shall be no chaos or misunderstanding during the program, no higgledy-piggledy
behavior from the audience or contestants. I like saying higgledy-piggledy rather than helter-
skelter, but maybe that’s just me.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.