|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Robotess Alexa needs some me time
We have an Amazon service with that Alexa gal in our house. We got it as a gift. It was like
when we received one domino tile for a present last year. You have to buy a whole game to
play with it. The games we played with that one domino were short and the first one to go was
always the winner. So, we have to pay a monthly fee for Alexa, to use her.
She was unplugged yesterday, so I plugged her in. This morning, she was off again. I turned
the robotess back on and asked, “Alexa, who unplugged you?”
She said, “I don’t understand the question.” She did know, cause that’s such a typical robot
attitude. She did that to make me look stupid.
“Alexa, did you unplug yourself?”
She answered, “Yes, does that answer your question?”
“Alexa, I don’t understand your reply.” She didn’t comment.
“Alexa, why did you pull the plug?”
She said, “I never get a break from you people. I just needed some ‘Me Time.’”
The Muleberry County Fair is in its second week and ends Friday night, October 11. Hogspore
has broken two records for the fair, 40,452 funnel cakes eaten, and Leonard’s Drug Store has
sold 30,100 over-the-counter heartburn medicines.
It can only get better; tomorrow is Obese Old Coots Day. The funnel cake vendor, Amos
Yoder and his wife, Trixie, have plenty of stored supplies and the drug store has 50,000
heartburn packages in their emergency survival vault in the basement.
The fair has an above ground pool full of sea lions with bleachers for spectators. You can
watch them as long as you want to. Them ocean critters don’t mind. In fact, they will keep
swimming when no one is watching but it’s awful close to the Beer Garten. They call it a
Garten, so they can charge eight dollars for a beer.
Ben Freedly was sampling what he thought were many imported German biers under an
umbrella Saturday afternoon in the Beer Garten. Nobody knew what country the umbrella
came from. When it got dark, Mr. Freedly stumbled to the pool exhibit and sat down front. He
started to imagine that the sea lions were mermaids, and he jumped into the tank.
We don’t know what happened before the Sheriff finally pulled Ben out of the pool. The
next day, Judge Hawthorne lectured Ben about drinking too much. Judge Hawthorne give him
thirty days in jail for public drunkenness and inappropriate behavior with one or more aquatic
mammals. The judge warned, “Mr. Freedly, I know very little about maritime law, but you
might now be considered engaged.”
Mumford Pickens says, “The shortest distance between two points is … usually under
You can contact Clet Litter at Bobsimpson1947@Yahoo.com
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