|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Preacher's moral compass gets demagnetized
Last Sunday, Preacher was explaining that in his early twenties, he lost his way and had
strayed from the Lord. He said, “Somehow, something demagnetized my moral compass.
I coulda said degaussed, but that would be showing off.”
The coaches, parents, and members of the high school football squad know that all it takes is
one bad hit to go out injured for the season or worse. That’s why they have a team doctor, Dr.
Peter Turnleftandcough, who stands by at every game in case someone gets injured.
Doc Turnleftandcough can treat the player immediately for a sprain or a concussion.
Then the scrappy little play maker can return to play after a few minutes breather. His motto
is, “Tape a Sprain, Walk Off a Concussion.”
When the High School Band of Assorted Alloys plays in public, there ain’t much chance of
them getting hurt or needing medical help. The most that can happen is an anxiety attack or a
self-esteem issue. At every performance, they have Dr. Geau Withdat, the Band Psychologists,
Old Man Grimely was complaining about his young bride. “My wife was feeling sad. I asked
her what was wrong. She said, ‘It all seems boring; nothing much happens around here.’”
He said, “You’re a lot younger than I am. I’m still in acceptable shape, but I do have a
heart pacemaker. I won’t be around much longer. I’m leaving it all to you, the farm and the
commercial property I own out on Highway 71. There’s also a huge insurance policy, payable
to you after I’m gone.”
I asked Grimely, “What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Well, everything you said is true and I do feel a might better.’ She’s been singing
and whistling ever since.”
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