|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Dining out after couples divorce
A happy couple were eating at the Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner yesterday.
They were enjoying the Pork and Beans Platter.
Four lawyers were also there, but they were in the private banquet room. They were dining
on steak with mashed taters, shrimp cocktail, yeast rolls, apple pie a la mode, and the house’s
finest, seven-dollar bottles of San Ream wine. The law firms of Hue & Cry and Fore & Aft were
celebrating the successful closure of a settlement. By representing both a husband and wife,
they had drained their clients dry, so they had no assets left. They remained married because
they couldn’t afford to proceed with the divorce.
The couple who had enjoyed the Pork and Beans were still smiling at each other as they
swabbed their complimentary pieces of bread across the platter. They raised their glasses of
ice water and clicked them. “A toast to our penniless marriage and to our luck for having
escaped those shysters with our lives.”
The Hogspore Elementary is planning a carnival for the Halloween season. There will be
plenty of activities for the kiddies. We have information on two events that should appeal to
the youngsters and their parents. The airbrush tattoos will be available for the suggestible
minors along with a real-life roped off Near Beer Garden.
The high school reported that they have one less student enrolled this year. Farmer Ben
Renfrow volunteered his son, Buster, to return to school to help the enrollment shortage.
He already graduated, but his father said, “He don’t have a job, and he won’t work the farm.
All he does is eat too much and sleeps a lot. I was thinking that with the free breakfast and
lunch program for my son, I can save some money till Buster finally gets it in gear.”
Goat Yoga is coming to your town someday. This is where an instructor teaches Yoga whilst
goats roam around and do whatever they want. The instructors are experts but the livestock
are untrained. They might stand on your back or burp in your nose, (The instructors won’t
stand on your back, but they might also burp in your nose). There’s even something called a
goat hug, but I think you have to sign a waiver.
This Goat Yoga sounds like it would be perfect for Buster Renfrow’s first job.
Mumford Pickens says, “When folks want to know about your background, they are not
interested in the scenery behind you.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.