|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
No green tea in emergency kit, Couple been married five years or more
Most wives will pack an emergency kit with bandages, medicines, and food. That way,
you can get out of town in a hurry. Punkin had one of these already done up, but she was
refreshing it with new items. I noticed that she had added black tea bags. She makes herself
a cup every day.
I have black tea everyday myself but I also add a green tea bag. You can tell when a couple
has been married more than five years cause there won’t be any green tea in the emergency
Before I get up in the mornings, I do my stretches. The last one I do is a full body stretch.
I call it the cat stretch. After that, I get out of bed. I set the stretched cat down on the floor,
and he feels better too.
Walter Clangster’s been dating the Miniver conjoined twins, Mabel and Mavis, about six
months. He said, “They broke up with me yesterday. It’s over. I guess them two conjoined
twins are gonna go their separate ways. I appreciate that they tried to spare my feelings when
they said, ‘It’s not you, it’s us.’”
Here’s some Asian trivia. Be sure to check for any tariffs that you need pay before you
pass these facts on. Mumford Pickens says, “Several experts give credit to Confucius for saying,
‘One who daydreams at night is a fool.’ Confucius never uttered those words … because he
didn’t speak English. He also didn’t say, ‘An ambitious man who naps not, leaves a young
Yoko Ono inspired her husband, John Lennon, to write the song, Imagine. She was kidding
around with John and said, “Can you Imagine? What if I had a sister named Kim? Kim Ono?”
What did folks say when the Buddha died? Rest Zen Peace.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.