|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Squirrels should demand better union
Rabbit season started on 09-01-2019. It ain’t fair for the cottontail to be the only one wearing
white after Labor Day. It’s them squirrels that should demand a better union. Hunting season
for them runs from May 15 through next February. If they tasted as good as rabbits, they’d be
extinct, and we’d be up to our overall’s top pockets in acorns.
We have a new handyman service in town, owned and operated by Les Lennahand.
He used to work for a franchise called Hire a Husband, but he voluntarily quit after he
put in some unauthorized overtime with the Mayor’s wife.
Jimmy Suspenders was saying that Sara instructs him on how to behave when they’re out
in public. “Clet, she always tells me what not to do. It starts out with, ‘Don’t.”’
I sez, “At first, Punkin did the same thing. When we would go out, she’d say, ‘Don’t sleep in
church. Don’t drink too much beer at the bowling alley. Don’t pick the flowers in the cemetery.
Don’t tell your joke about the latest ICU baby doll for sale this Christmas.’
We worked it out years ago. We were going to supper at Preacher’s house. Before we got
to their front door, she said, ‘Clet, DON’T.’”
She said, “There are too many things for you not to do … so just DON’T.”
Here’s something that you really don’t need to know and that’s why it’s in the news.
A reporter from People magazine wrote that the wild horses of North Carolina’s Outer Banks
ride out hurricanes with their “Butts to the Wind.”
They feel the air pressure change and know what to do in a fierce storm. They group
together under sturdy trees with their butts poking into the hurricane. The news said that
the horses have been doing this for 500 years. I never reckoned horses to live that long.
There are some fellers here in Hogspore that could’ve gone to the Carolina coasts and
backed into the wind. They coulda kept any hurricane from hitting land just from their natural
expressions after eating barbeque pork and beans.
Mumford Pickens says, “You don’t wanna hang around somebody who has been diagnosed
with having potholes in their personality.”
John H. McKenzie 6/17/1946 – 9/5/2019. Musician, Writer, Poet, and Gentleman.
Rest in Peace.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.