|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Labor Day like Thanksgiving, without squabbles
Labor Day has come and gone. It felt like Thanksgiving, full of fond memories and plenty of
eats, cept no family squabbles. Maybe we should’ve also given thanks on Labor Day cause we
didn’t have to see the family.
Last week, we got a flyer in the mail about a Labor Day mattress and sheet sale at Big Al’s
Bargain Outlet on Highway 71. The ad showed a fancy mattress called The Sorta Perfect
Sleeper with a plush Euro Top. It didn’t explain what a Euro Top was or why it was plush.
The banner said, “Labor Day is the perfect time to buy a mattress.”
Come Labor Day, I sez, “Punkin, I believe it is the perfect time to buy a mattress. How bout
we go out to Big Al’s and do some shopping?”
She said, “If it means you’ll finally stop eating more grilled cheeseburgers, then let’s go.”
We walked into Big Al’s showroom and saw The Sorta Sleeper bathed in track lighting and
looking like a luxury automobile or a shiny unused tractor. I sez, “Yes, it really is the perfect
time to buy a mattress.”
We tested three floor models. The third one felt just right. It was the JR model that
Goldilocks would’ve picked out. We was halfway to the cashier when I sez, “Punkin, it is the
perfect time to buy a mattress, but we bought a mattress four months ago. It’s every bit as
good as the one we looked at today. I don’t think we should buy another one.”
Punkin said, “Clet, it ain’t really the perfect time to buy a mattress. We should go.”
I sez, “Let’s not go home empty-handed. They got their California King sheets on sale,
buy one get one free. I think it is the perfect time to buy California King sheets.”
“It is the perfect time to buy California King sheets, but we don’t have a California King size
bed. Maybe we could purchase some for birthday gifts or Christmas presents.”
I sez, “That don’t sound like a nice gift for somebody’s birthday or a Christmas present.”
Punkin said, “What about buying them for Halloween? We could make ghost costumes out
of them.” We marched on up to the register and bought four of them half-priced California
On the trip back Punkin said, “I had fun shopping with you. It really was the perfect time
to buy California King sheets.”
There is a Little Library stand outside the courthouse. Folks can chip in a book or two for
another feller to take. He can keep it for himself. He don’t have to return it.
I found myself a book there. I’m trying to read the books that I was sposed to read when
I was in school. I presented book reports that I never read. I still received solid D minus grades.
My teacher wouldn’t give me an F cause she didn’t want to see me again the next year.
Back to the Little Library. There was a sign inside the book house that said, “If this library is
full of books, do not leave more books here. Please take them to the main library to donate.”
That sign mighta been put there by one of my classmates that also didn’t read any books,
cause he taped it to a shelf. If the book house is full, no one is ever gonna see that sign. He
might wanna get a job as a guvernment advisor.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.