The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                Hogspore News
                                                   By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                              Punkin starts book club, meets every three months

   Punkin started a book club. Six friends meet at our house to discuss what they’ve read.
It’s always one from Oprah’s list, but they’re too expensive to buy seven copies. The first
member reads the one book in the Hogspore Library, and then the next member checks it
out. The book club meets every three months. That’s how long it takes before they can all
get it read.

   Jimmy Suspenders said something wrong to his wife that was sorta judgmental, and a
strange thing happened. He said, “Sara asked if I thought the dress she was wearing made
her look fat. Before I could think it through, I answered, ‘Yes, Sara, I think it does make you
a bit plump looking.’

   I knew I was going to be packing for a weekend getaway at the no-frills doghouse resort,
but she wasn’t angry. She didn’t even roll her eyes or stomp off into the kitchen. I figured that
she was gonna wait til I was asleep to solve the problem instead of spending money on a Las
Vegas divorce. Then, I realized why she wasn’t mad.”

   Jimmy stopped and stood there. I sez, “Are you gonna say how come she weren’t upset?”

   “I’ve told so many lies, that when I let on that she might be more than ample, she absolutely
did not believe me.”

   Old man Grimely was grumbling about prescriptions. It ain’t that he can’t afford them;
he has health coverage. It’s just that he don’t like what the drug store puts on his receipt.
He said, “I take a prescription that keeps me from visiting the bathroom 15 times a night,
but I can’t abide the message on my receipt saying, ‘Your insurance saved you: $253.39.’

   I didn’t save any money cause I never would have bought the pills, if they had cost $253.39.
For that kind of dough, I could have slept in the bathtub.”

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