|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Holding court in the barbershop
Tony was holding court in his barbershop, telling what it was like when he was a boy. “I was
five when we got our first indoor bathroom. Grandpappy lived with us. We didn’t have any
fresh-as-a-daisy spray. After he did his business, he’d light a match.
A match don’t hide much. It only made the bathroom smell like a fireplace inside an
outhouse. I learned to associate that burning Sulfur with the call to report for active duty.
It took a while to get over those tiny throne torches. During the early years on my own,
I had some mighty embarrassing moments out on the patio with friends, trying to start my
Jimmy Suspenders said, “Sara had a routine mammogram and everything was fine. Then I
thought of something to say, but I didn’t say it. Up till then, I would cross the line and blurt it
out. Here’s what I wanted to tell her, but didn’t. ‘Sara, can I get some wallet-sized copies?’
Clet, the thing is, I want to explain how good I was by not saying out loud, what I thought. Do
you think she’d be proud of me if I told her now, what I didn’t mention then?”
I sez, “Jimmy, I don’t need any time to ponder your question. I got a real quick answer for
you and some advice. The answer is NO, never, never, ever, ever tell a woman what you were
thinking. There’s not enough time in this day, to explain all the things that could go wrong if
you do blab it to her.
If you finally break down and tell Sara, you won’t have to worry about Sara being mad at
you, cause every married man in this county will take turns slapping your head till it rolls off
The high school football team, the Rooters, have been practicing in August before school
starts. The fellers ain’t in the best shape. Most of them sat around watching TV and snacking in
their summer break. Coach finally talked them into pushing the tackling sled down the practice
field cause there was 10 dozen doughnuts waiting under the goal posts.
Veterinarian Doc Muley has a special running through this month, spay and neutering for
only ten dollars. He come up with the idea when his taxman showed him how to write off the
cost of his expensive garden weed eater.
Victoria’s Secret announced that they’re adding a transgender model to their catalog.
They’re gonna have to rename the place, Victor’s Secret.
Mumford Pickens says, “Cardiac surgeons who run out of patients are heartless.”
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