|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Two new moons in month of July
This July had two new moons, but they weren’t visible from the earth at night. What was the
big deal? It’s something that you can’t see twice in the same month as opposed to not seeing it
only once a month. There’s a name for that second new moon, but since you can’t
see it, I’m not gonna tell you what it is.
Two full moons in one month are more enjoyable. Hunters and romantic couples like them.
Romantic hunters really fancy them. That second one is a Blue Moon. The first Blue Moon
I saw was at a school dance when I was a young feller. We was having a springtime dance
out on the football practice field, when Stinky Hawkins come driving his pickup past the
dancers and the chaperons. Willard and Caleb Cheekum was riding in the truck bed.
Stinky slowed down and leaned on the horn whilst the brothers bent over and dropped their
drawers. It looked like they had done some practicing. One of the chaperons was the Cheekum
brothers’ uncle who recognized his nephews from their scarred bottoms, what with all the
whoopings the family had give em.
When them mooners made it home, the informed parents were waiting for them, and they
paid the price. None of them ever got in trouble again, but it wasn’t until the next spring before
they could finally sit.
That new moon business has me thinking about the useless information that we hear that
won’t give us a better or more comfortable life. Here’s an example: It’s only the female
mosquito that bites folks. How does knowing that help keep mosquitoes from biting? Does it
mean that when I go fishing, I should search for a lake where there is a private men’s club for
Hardy Barkins said, “I don’t visit doctors, cept in an emergency.”
I sez, “Don’t you get an exam or physical every year, so you know you’re doing okay?”
“Nope. If I go to a doctor on a regular basis and live long enough, there comes a day when
that sawbones is gonna hand out some real awful news. I’d rather not know.”
Drone sales are booming in the area around the nudist camp out on Highway 71. I coulda
said sales are soaring but I don’t do that sorta corny humor. Them pilots, (Yes, the fellers who
run the remote control box are pilots), usually return the drone for a refund when they
discover that the sun-worshiping association is also an assisted living facility.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.