The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                   Hogspore News
                                                         By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
                                                       Rebooting, other computer tips

   Here’s a computer tip for you but I’m not an expert yet. I thought reboot meant something
I have to do after I step in a meadow muffin.

   Sometimes you have to get rid of a website that you once signed up for e-mail cause they
send you a message every day. At least they aren’t spam e-mails that offer weight loss help,
make parts of you bigger, or sell names of lonely housewives that live within five miles. If I
want to locate a lonely housewife, I find my own wife.

   If you want to stop them messages, canceling is no longer available. The choice is, "Do you
wish to permanently pause?” That’s nicer and no one gets their feelings hurt. After you check
that box, it asks, “Are you sure?”

   When you use a pause option in a personal relationship, you don’t have to go through the
usual, “It’s not you, it’s me. We should start seeing other people. I don’t like women. I don’t
like men. I wear my engineer’s hat and play with a toy train set in the basement.” There’s no
heartache, less crying, and no need to keep stalking.  

   You quietly explain to your soon-to-be-ex that you would like to “permanently pause the
relationship.” But, you better do this in a public place and each have your own way to get
home and move your residence to another state and change your phone number and grab
another job and alter your name and surgically remove your fingerprints.  

   Old man Grimely says, “I was able to do a lot more before I got so ancient. I could even
walk and chew gum at the same time. So, if you see me out on the sidewalk, just standing
there, don’t fret. I’m all right. I stopped walking, so I could chew some gum.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at


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