|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Smartins Grocery fires one, hires another
Smartins Grocery runs a BOGO, (Buy One, Get One), on Thursdays. Grocer Smartins told me
about the FOHO that he ran last week. “I caught our cashier Anita Price, stealing from the till.
I had to let her go on Tuesday. Luckily, on Wednesday, I hired her cousin, Penny Bach.” FOHO
means Fire One, Hire One.
Some Florida news: A prosthetic ear accidentally washed away in the surf at Holmes Beach,
Florida. The tourist who lost it wasn’t wearing it on his head. I don’t know if he was a tourist,
but most Floridians, in the middle of summer, hunker down in air conditioning.
He was holding the manufactured lobe in his hand, probably trying to hear a soft-spoken,
soft-shelled crab in the sand. That’s like the feller who proposes to his girlfriend with a
diamond ring out on a dock over a lake.
Someone saw the fake flap on the shore. The finder used Facebook to locate the owner.
He didn’t use Earbook because they charged too much and he wouldn’t hear of it. This would
have made a better story if the feller had dropped his ear in Lake Superior and it turned up in
the Erie Canal.
A water bottle outfit opened at Clear Creak. They sell wholesale to supermarkets throughout
Muleberry County. The Clear Creek factory removes any bad chemicals or
odors. Try some and see what you think. It’s good stuff, but they should switch the name
to something besides The Mostly Purified Water Company.
We had a late-in-the-season tornado outside of Hogspore. There weren’t no injuries or
damage at Grimely’s Tractor Sales and Service on Highway 71. Four tractors sitting on the front
lot did hitch a ride with the twister. They dropped into four separate farmer’s field. Old man
Grimely announced that if any them farmers wanted to purchase a tractor, he would waive
the delivery fee.
Mumford Pickens has a different take on the climate. “There is no such thing as Global
Warming. It’s only Mother Nature going through the change and experiencing hot flashes.”
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