|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
By Clet Litter from the Ozarks
Old diploma mill becomes the grand finale
On Independence Day, after the normal city fireworks presentation was over, the mayor
authorized the condemned diploma mill up on Clear Creek to become the grand finale.
(The mill closed thirty years ago, but every year since, there was a 5K race around the campus
called Run of the Mill.) When the 500 pounds of dynamite detonated, the abandoned factory
shot 20,000 feet through thick fluffy cumulus nimbus subpoena duces tecum clouds.
Most of the spectators oohed and aahed whilst three Democrats aahed and oohed at the
million pieces of steel and concrete soaring into the night. Then, the entire crowd ouched and
yelped from Affliction Reception, (from the Book of Festus), when those pieces come raining
down on them four seconds later.
In national news, Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. He put away
71 hot dogs and buns to win his twelfth Mustard Belt at Coney Island in New York.
Some folks claim that overeating ain’t a real sport. They’re the same ones who think
NASCAR ain’t a real sport. I wonder what they’re gonna say when NASCAR drivers try to
eat the most hot dogs during a 300-mile course. The only athletics more dangerous would
be working in that event’s pit crews.
Muleberry EMT, Warren Linsworthy got in trouble for unauthorized use of the county’s
only ambulance. He runs the transport for folks what need a quick emergency ride to a
hospital or a scenic slow drive to a funeral home. The county suspended Warren for two
weeks for selling produce from his garden out of the back of the ambulance at the Farmer’s
Market. He claimed that his vegetables were fresh, organic, and 100% sterilized.
Here’s some education info. The high school Ne'er-Do-Wells Club will not meet in the
summer cause the members have to attend summer school. The first meeting is in September
at The Goofy Golf Park, where they’ll hang out after dark and vandalize the alligator’s mouth
on hole 7.
Mumford Pickens says, “A while ago, Mortgage Forgiveness was a plan to spare homeowners
from paying taxes on amounts forgiven by their mortgage company.
However, Marriage Forgiveness never worked.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.