The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                    Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                           By Clet Litter
                                               Pencil with big eraser last year’s birthday gift

   My birthday is coming on June 20. It ain’t necessary to give me anything expensive. Send it in
care of the newspaper and I will get it later. Thanks again for the pencil with the big eraser
from last year.

   Punkin got me something special for my birthday. I don’t know what it is cause she hid it.
I do think that it’s gonna be mighty nice; she accidentally left the Dollar Store receipt on the
kitchen table.

   Sometimes, when my feet smell like bologna, I wish I was taller.

   The elementary summer school is putting on a concert next week. They don’t normally
teach summer band but so many of them mini-musicians failed during the regular session.       
How un-smart do you have to be to fail band? I’m counting this as one of my blessing that
I don’t have any kids still in that school band. I sat through enough concerts listening to Hot
Cross Buns.

   Kentucky Fried Chicken is introducing a meatless product, (The Impostor Burger), in the
United Kingdom. Colonel Sanders is rolling in his grave, (or gravy), along with 11 herbs and
spices. I sure hope they don’t mix up the letters by mistake in their ads: K.F.C. in the U.K.

   The boys in the barbershop were discussing super heroes. The topic was which one would
be most likely to go to relationship counseling. Superman won the most votes. With Lois Lane,
he’d have to cope with a love triangle, what with Clark Kent always snooping around.   

   Batman received two votes cause he never wanted to take his mask off in front of Alfred or
Robin. We all agreed that Wonder Woman wouldn’t need therapy. Anyone who was married
to her would be glad to do whatever she told them to do.

   Mumford Pickens says, “There is a reason that baseball pitchers are not recruited from the

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