The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                               Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                 By Clet Litter
                              Baked Bean dinner for backsliders this Friday

   The Hogspore First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners
Baked Bean Dinner with a Meat to Be Determined at a Later Date kicks off this Friday
evening on their picnic grounds. The beans soaked in water for two days and have been
simmering three days while the spices and herbs have fellowship with each other.
Preacher says BYOB, (Bring Your Own Bread) for dipping.

   Breaking news about Hardy Barkin’s missing pet possum. Sheriff Riley Combover
arrested Mearl Transom on kidnapping charges with intent to cook a possum. Sheriff
broke into Mearl’s kitchen to discover water boiling on the stove, pre-chopped
vegetables on the counter, and Petey, the pared possum, sitting quietly in a cage
on the floor. He looked like he was dead, but he was only playing well-done.

   Please don’t send any criticism that I spelled possum wrong. Hardy recently had
Petey’s DNA tested and there weren’t any Irish in his background. That’s why I didn’t
write it out as Opossum.

   Today, I was daydreaming about the times I spent with my mule, Tolerable. I didn’t
realize for a while that I never had a mule named Tolerable. He was just a hypothetical
mule in another one of my daydreams from January this year. Seems like I might wanna
rethink about all the time I spend daydreaming. Funny though, I still miss that imaginary

   Big national news: Folks was upset because someone leaked the name of the winner
of an unaired Jeopardy game show. At least nobody revealed what the winning
question is: “Who was the final winner in last Friday’s Jeopardy?”

   Junior Bickum is holding a sale at the hardware store. Employee Hardy Barkins
immediately updated his resume when he saw the store’s banner “Everything must go.”

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