|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Why can't winds rake falling leaves?
The previous headline in our local newspaper was “Rains Rake the Entire County.”
I got some questions about last autumn: Why did we have to worry about the falling
leaves? Why couldn’t the winds rake the whole county too?
New York scientists cloned DNA from a fossilized Saber-Toothed Tiger’s tusk.
They grew a full sized animal in their lab. They called it a Cyber-Toothed Tiger.
Probably a lotta scientific giggling going on when they come up with that name.
The clone, (not cologne, though it did smell like a rose), managed to escape.
A metal manhole cover with two tusk holes was the only evidence of where the
prehistoric critter hid. The Cyber-Toothed Tiger is loose in the sewers of New York City.
Experts reckon that he could live for years feeding on the underground NYC rat
There are also fossils of the first rednecks, but nobody is planning to revive those
bones. Those cavemen used to tease the saber-toothed tigers. Send in the clones.
Don’t bother, they’re here.
Doughnut Week starts this Friday. There’s gonna be the usual parade with company
floats and the high school and middle school marching bands. This year the Montessori
Academy is showing off their elementary musicians. They sound good, specially since
the parents are carrying their instruments for them. That gives them little steppers the
chance to march wherever they want. The band director’s instructions are that they
should get together after the show so that they can ride back home on their bus. But,
only if they feel like it.
Mumford Pickens says, “You know you're getting old when the main ingredient in
your deodorant is Formaldehyde.”
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.