The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                   Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                     By Clet Litter
                                    Memorial Day celebrate memories, sacrifices

   The town celerbrated Memorial Day yesterday. Most of us know someone who didn’t
return, so we make it a lifelong goal to remember the sacrifice and keep the memory
with us.

   We can vote, speak our mind, enjoy our lives, cry when we have to, and laugh as
much we can, cause of them. Frank Mazariegos, 29 December 1947 - 27 June 1967.
Rest in Peace.

   This Friday is World No Tobacco Day. It’s to stop Devil’s Leaf use for 24 hours around
the globe. Nobody here can figure out how a feller could smoke tobacco all over the
globe. Maybe they mean that twirling atlas that some rich folks show off in their den.

   Hogspore’s Celerbration of Doughnut Week also starts on Friday. At least there ain’t
yet a World No to Doughnuts Day. There’re some predictions that will be coming. Most
of the menfolk here subscribe to the motto, “The only way you’ll ever take away my
jelly doughnut is to pry it out of my cold dead pudgy hand.”

   If we lose the pastry war, we won’t never admit it. The slogan will forever resound
throughout the fried treat-loving community to include the doughboys in the trenches
and deep fat fryers, “The Yeast shall rise again.”   

   High School Principal Barkley Spellbetter fired one of the cafeteria workers for posting
pictures on social media of an open-faced roast beef sandwich. Further investigation
showed that the roast beef serving was suggestively lying on a bed of potatoes. Even
though the potatoes still had their peels on, their eyes were leering at the gravy-
covered diva on the platter. It didn’t help that the meal came with a tart for dessert.

   Mumford Pickens says, “If you can’t say anything nice about somebody, then make
something up.”    

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