|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Diagnosis is JPMS (Just Plain Mean Syndrome)
It started out to be a slow week in Hogspore. Nothing much going on, cept for some
fallout for anyone who gave an electric toothbrush for Mother’s Day.
Things started picking up when something happened to mean Harley Spears what
lives out of town on Barlow’s Road. Nobody knows why they call it Barlow’s Road.
You’ll probably have to ask Mr. Buster Barlow, who built the access and was the first
one to move there.
Harley reaped some hurting and went to a hospital. Seven years ago, he was in the
Mena Arkansas Hospital for the Differentially Insane. The diagnosis was JPMS,
(Just Plain Mean Syndrome).
This time, he had a disagreement with his mule about how little effort Toby was
putting out. Harley lost his temper and swatted him on the backside a bit too hard.
We have a country creed that says you never harm an animal bigger, smaller, or even
the same size as you. Toby kicked Harley and put him in his place, well not exactly in his
place. Mr. Spears landed 8 feet from his first place. Trouble is, the barn was only 6 feet
away, so he crashed through the wall and lay crumpled inside the barn.
He pushed the button on his emergency beeper but no one come to rescue him.
It was the trial model beeper called “Help I’ve fallen and I‘m gonna die.” Finally, Toby
forgave him and dragged him down to Buster Barlow’s farm for help.
I thank Harley for being so nasty, and Toby for being even more vexatious, cause we
got most of the news report outta the mule encounter.
Mumford Pickens says, “My motto to any problem in life is, ‘I can take it or leave it,
as long as I don’t take leave of my senses.”’
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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