|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Making something of your life best gift for mother
For all you folks out there whose mother is still with us, I hope you had a wonderful
Mother’s Day. I’m sure she appreciated the gift you gave her, although it could never
equal the hardships plus the dreams that she had to give up to raise you. It would’ve
helped if you coulda made something outta your life.
Leonard’s Drug Store installed a drive thru lane. The sign says, “Service Dogs
Welcome.” If my dog, Ol Slump was a service animal, he couldn’t fit into that slide-out
tray. If he wants to go inside, he’s gonna have to enter through the front door.
I did give my self a free flu shot whilst I was waiting in line. After I finished and
returned the syringe, the clerk put an alcohol swab in the tray for me, along with a
doggy treat for Ol Slump.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhirley, the head librarian at Hogspore Public Library held a lecture on
using big words. She maintains that folks will think you’re smart if you use big words.
Morton Trubletoof heard about it, but he didn’t attend the lecture. He said later, “Big
words aren’t gonna impress anybody. Just cause I say gigantic, huge, tremendous, large,
jumbo, colossal, hefty, massive, or walloping don’t mean that I’m smart.”
I sez, “She meant big words that were more complex, like egregious or heretofore.”
He come back with, “It don’t matter whether I say heretofore or even theretofive.
I think it’s plain D-U-M, Dum.”
Mumford Pickens says, “Save the bees and the wasps, or else the only thing left to
sting us will be the divorce lawyers.”
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