|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Jerky recall causes lake to become salty
Punkin and me returned from our 4-day camping trip to Lake Surprise, the big
saltwater lake north of here. It turned salty when Hogspore volunteered to take
in the entire nation’s jerky from the Beef Jerky Scare and Recall of 1972.
I can’t tell you the number of mullet we caught cause the game warden might be
reading this. I’ll be cleaning fish for the next two days and smoking em after that.
My friends will be choking on bones till the fish is gone or one of us dies first. The risk
is worth it is cause there ain’t nothing better to accompany a sip of untaxed whiskey
on a cool evening than smoked mullet.
We all enjoyed our vacation, cept for Tugboat. He was playing along the shore when
a walking catfish gulped him down. I managed to snag him before he slid in the water
since he was moving slow, what with the Pomeranian hopping around in him.
Most folks don’t know how to rescue a small dog in a catfish, but my outdoor
education taught by Pappy helped. I grabbed the fish tail and swung him around
in a circle three or four times. Thanks to the centrifugal force lessons that Pappy
learned me, tummified Tugboat come flying out of the lunker’s mouth.
The dog weren’t hurt and the catfish was delicious that night. Out of respect for
Tugboat’s trauma, we didn’t partake of hush puppies with our meal.
Sara Suspender’s mother always nagged her father, so she grew up thinking that this
was the way to be a good wife. Jimmy never did take kindly to Sara’s nagging. He either
got angry at her or said something mean. That just made the woman madder.
Finally, Jimmy decided he wouldn’t get mad when she harped at him. This week,
she was yelling at him from another room, and he answered back, “Sara Love, I don’t
consider that you are nagging. Your lilting voice is merely dancing lightly on my ear
Jimmy’s wife hates sarcasm, so he’s sleeping in the canine clink again tonight.
Jimmy has never been a horse that finishes well in races.
My parents were mighty proud of me in the third grade when I made the principal’s
list for Nearly Gifted. Course, any student who was smart enough to remember how to
walk to school was on that list. Pappy’s gone now, but he’d still be pleased to know that
this published weekly report is an intellectual property. Course, it ain’t likely that
someone is gonna steal this particular intellectual property.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.