The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                               Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                               By Clet Litter
                       Easter egg hunt everything it was cracked up to be
   The Easter egg hunt on April 20 in Aaron Hogspore Memorial Park was everything it
was cracked up to be. The name comes from our town founder, Judge Aaron Rinseonce
Hogspore. Easter Bunny hid 500 dyed eggs. The village urchins found 499 eggs.
Yesterday, Sheriff Combover finally had to ask little Billy Hunsucker to leave the park.
Sheriff swore to him that he would personally dye one more egg and give it to him this
morning. Billy got his medicines adjusted by his doctor.    

   Punkin asked me to prep her RV for a road trip. She wants to camp at Lake Surprise.
I get to fish all day with Ol Slump, and she gets to go hiking with Tugboat, along with her
birthday compass. We got Tugboat a special oversized fluffy sweater so an eagle in the
woods don’t snatch him.

   The RV is 22 feet long, and we’ll be pulling my bass boat behind it. The camper only
needed new spark plugs. My main problem is getting rid of the spiders that are living in
it. I heard that fresh mint scares them off.  

   Me and Punkin have been spending every evening after supper sitting in the RV
watching TV and drinking mint juleps. I think it’s working cause I haven’t seen any more
spiders. It might be that I can’t focus my eyes real good after more than two of them
southern treats.

   It’s hard to get away for a few days when you run a farm. The last thing we had to
arrange was for Old Man Grimely to mule-sit Sammule. He has 100 acres of trees and
clover pastures. Trouble is, Sammule won’t want to come home with us after we leave
him there.

   Old Man Grimely has so much money that he buys the best animal chow. The Feed
of the Month is Brazilian Organic Oats, free shipping with Amazon. It don’t cost a lot to
ship products in a dugout canoe down the Amazon River.

   Morton Trubletoof just completed a correspondence course on electronics. He’s now
an expert in the repair and maintenance of eight track players and recorders. He’s still
looking for a suitable storefront for his shop. Meanwhile, in order to diversify, he is
studying how to mend broken VHS tapes.

   Mumford Pickens had something to offer about Morton’s venture, “His repair
business might not be a success but I do know that everybody should appreciate that
Morton won’t be bothering them as much. He’ll be busy, mending his own business.”

   You can contact Clet Litter at

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   No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.

   Largo, Florida
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