The Funniest Newspaper Column
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Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                                    04-22-2019
                                         Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                             By Clet Litter
                                      Barbershop closest thing to a think tank  
                                        
   I read about a think tank in Washington, DC. They got these geniuses setting around
trying to solve world issues: peace, hunger, or how to make the Kardashians more
likable. The closest thing we have to it here is Tony’s Barbershop in the afternoons.
 
   I’d like to get into one of them groups, but I ain’t that smart. I mean, I do OK. I can
make change and know not to pick a fight with a four hundred pound biker. I know
where to tuck my napkin at the dinner table and I will never again, help tuck in a napkin
for a female biker.
 
   There is one group I might join, but there’s not one in this town yet. Someday though,
I should be able to apply for membership in a Ponder Pond.
 
   Jimmy Suspenders has started the ancient art of Tai chi. He promised the neighbors
that he will only exercise in his own privacy-fenced backyard and won’t ever perform it
on the banks of Sumner’s Pond in a Speedo.

   He said, "I saw Tai chi featured on the PBS channel and it looked fun. Only trouble is,
there’s not a lot of time in my life to add an hour every morning for The Slow Dance of
the Dying Asian.”  
 
   I offered that he shouldn’t call it that, especially in the Chinese Buffet restaurant on
Main Street. He might find some extra MSG, (Much Soy Grease), in his General
Chowdown Chicken.
 
   He kept on, “I decided to speed things along in the morning. I call it Extreme Tai chi.
My arms and legs start spinning like an eggbeater for ten minutes. I attain the same
workout and calming effect in 1/6th the time.” Sara Suspenders musta helped him with
the math.  
 
   Mumford Pickens appeared in church yesterday, first row, sitting upright, and paying
attention. There ain’t much of an underground culture of gambling here in town, but
wagering activity picks up in the weeks leading to Easter Sunday. Don’t bet that
Mumford won’t be there. It’s as sure as that the service is always gonna be a rerun.
 
   You can contact Clet Litter at bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com.

                                                         
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