|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Last chance to file income tax
Today is the final day to file taxes. That’s not true. You can send them tomorrow or
whenever you want to. It’s just gonna cost you more, (a lot more).
Big doings this Wednesday, what with two weeks of Squalor in The Holler.
The holler’s only garbageman, Jake, goes on his two-week fishing vacation. 14 days
of garbage like pork parts rotting will soon hover over Winslow’s Holler. The only folks
that don’t seem to mind are the vegetarians cause they carry their snooty noses too
high in the air to smell it.
Mumford Pickens is gonna renovate the outside of his house. He said, “I hired a
couple of brothers to chip the peeling paint first. I don’t like to do that part. It didn’t
work out, so I had to fire them. The paint chippers kept arguing and getting into
Punkin told me what she wanted for her birthday, another dog so Tugboat,
a Pomeranian, would have a friend to play with. I don’t want any more pets in the
house, so I said I’d get something else but I promised to drop off Tugboat at Big Brothers
Punkin suggested I buy her a compass. She wants to be more rugged, outdoorsy,
and make her way in the woods. I think she wants to use it in the truck with the GPS
to find town, but I ain’t saying nothing.
If I said what I really thought she wanted it for, I would need one myself to find a
new direction in my life. She got the compass and she was thrilled. As soon as I buy
some batteries that she says she probably needs for it, then she can go get lost.
I took in the Hot Air Balloon Dogfight this Saturday. The weather cooperated.
There was a reasonable wind of about 20 mph. We expected to see some action,
what with the maneuvering among the balloons for a kill shot at each other.
The judges are always trying to make the dogfight safer. This season, the contestants
have their own personal parachutes, no more sharing of one chute with a husband and
wife. Last year Hector Trenshaw’s balloon took a hit. He parachuted to safety, but forgot
to take Helen with him.
Helen was in a body cast for three months, but recovered. Then, Hector found himself
immobilized for five months. Since that time, he hasn’t forgotten anything … ever.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.