|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Anger management issues for Chihuahua
Morton Trubletoof thinks he knows a little something about how animals behave.
He said, “I’ve been helping the Widow Fenster’s Chihuahua with some anger issues.
I suggested to the dog that when he gets angry, he could stop first and bark backwards
ten times. That way he has time to calm down. It worked. When he got upset again he
let out, ‘Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab, Krab.’”
Old Man Grimely hasn’t been out of his house for a week, so I visited him yesterday.
Arthritis had him all stoved up. He says, “Clet, what with these aches and pains, it takes
two hours to get out of bed.”
We was in his kitchen. I seen a paint pan with a gallon jug of horse liniment setting
on the tile floor. Grimely said, “I have so many places that hurt that I have to rub the
liniment on with a paint roller.” Our mule owners also massage their mules with horse
balm cause they respond better knowing that they’re being treated as well as the horses
Income Tax deadline is next Monday. My taxes are right easy to file since I just have
the CIA Sleeper Cell Pension, Punkin’s ROTH IRA inheritance from her momma, and
limited earnings from my gentlemanly farmer ways. I did hear some tax trivia. The
proper form to file taxes for a murder mystery sleuth is a 1040 with the standard
Punkin’s birthday is the 14th. I already bought her gift. It’s personal, so I can’t tell
you what it is. That also keeps me from telling you how much I paid for it … after the
coupon I used. A while ago, I did suggest we should renew our marriage vows.
Punkin said, “Let me get back to you on that.” I’m getting kinda worried. That was
three years ago.
Last Thursday was April fourth, Stuttering Golfer’s Day. Fore Fore. If you thought that
wasn’t politically correct cause of the word “stuttering,” then here’s a politer version.
It’s Conjoined Twins Golfer’s Day. Fore Fore. They would probably look like the windmill
hazard at the Midget, I mean Miniature Golf Course.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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