|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
April Fool joke has become a tradition
Today is April Fools Day. Every year, Morton Trubletoof invites himself over for March
31 supper at our house. After supper, he volunteers to wash the dishes and clean the
kitchen. Next morning either me or Punkin will start our coffee. When we turn on the
tap in the sink, water sprays onto the floor cause he taped the spray hose to the open
position before he headed home for the night.
Morton phones on April 1, to ask if we got the kitchen floor wet. We laugh and say,
“Yeah, you ol rascal, you got us again.” Course, we knew it was gonna happen. We
unwrapped the sprayer before we used the sink. We pretend that he tricked us. That
way, he’ll keep doing the same prank each year, and we’ll know what to look for.
It’s our good deed for the week since he gets a kick out of telling folks all week what
Spring is here. Every flower and weed is bursting outta the ground like they’re
showing off. It’s time to get back to some farm labor to lose that 20 pounds I gained
over the winter.
You’ve heard folks talk about a summer love? Well, I watched so much snow falling
that it reminded me of ice cream. I developed a sordid winter fling with 300 ice cream
cartons of butter pecan.
The weather is getting nice enough for a fish-catching trip to salt-water Lake Surprise.
I hope to get there real soon so’s I can fill my boat with mullet to take home for
smoking. We call it fish-catching cause it puts a positive attitude spin that’s needed in
all sports. Yes, sitting in a bass boat, drinking beer, and swapping stories is a sport.
As part of our public service associated with this fine news report, here’s a want ad for
help: “Help Wanted, Sam’s Septic Service: Must have five years experience in starting a
siphon hose the old-fashioned way.”
Mumford Pickens says, “The accepted politically correct name for Bigfoot is now
The Big and Tall Casual Wild Man.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.