|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Don’t lay spare buttons on kitchen table
I got a wedding invite coming up in a month, so I had to buy a new long sleeve shirt.
If it was a funeral, I’d wear something old to respect the deceased, who probably was
old as well, maybe just old, and not so well.
I removed the pins and tags from the shirt. It arrived here from a country that I don’t
remember existed when I suffered through my last required geography class in school.
There was some speculating in my textbook that the world might not be flat.
My outfit, (that’s what Punkin called it), come with a little plastic bag holding some
spare buttons in case one fell off later. I took them out to inspect them and left them
on my kitchen table.
Next morning, I set out my vitamins on the kitchen table, my tiny soldiers lined up
ready for battle. After taking my vitamins, I noticed that the extra buttons were missing.
I called out to Punkin, “I think I swallowed some of my buttons.”
She yelled back from another room; that’s how married folks communicate.
“Clet, you’re gonna be all right. No need to push the panic button.”
“That’s a good thing cause … I mighta swallowed that button too.”
Citizens will be wearing green this Sunday for St. Patrick’s Day. Families are gathering
in a supply of adult beverages, both taxed and untaxed varieties, to honor this feller
Mumford Pickens give his take on the wearing of the green. I sorta suspect that
Mumford made this up. “Clet, St. Patrick died on a March 17. He lay in state through
the spring and summer. After 14 days of laying out in the open, a tradition began about
donning a bit of green in his honor. It was out of respect for the color that his body was
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