|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Jimmy Suspenders wins lottery
I got a call from Jimmy Suspenders. He’s been gone for three weeks. He said, “I’m in
Little Rock. Have you seen or heard from my wife, Sara?”
“Punkin and me saw her at Smartins Grocery yesterday, but we didn’t talk. What’s
Jimmy said, “She was supposed to meet me here at the Capital. I won big on a Lucky for
Life lottery, 25,000 a year for life.”
“Looks like you’re taking me out for a fine supper later.”
“Here’s the thing. Sara should have been here by now, so we can both share the
money. Tell her to get here now.”
I stopped by the Suspenders’ place to pass on the message. Sara met me at the door.
She said, “That idiot left me a note that we hit the lottery and to meet him to claim the
I interrupted, “Congratulations. Looks like you owe me and Punkin a fine dinner out
somewhere. You better get up to Little Rock fast.”
“Clet, come in and sit on the comfy couch that Jimmy found on the side of the road for
us. I gotta story for you.”
I settled in, “This chair is probably gonna clean up real nice. Let me hear your story.”
She sat down, but not on the soft somewhat soiled sofa, “You must know by now what
a muttonhead my husband is. I could be happy with him if he was a whole lot smarter …
or a might more stupid.
He said he’d watched an old detective movie where the good guy gave the bad guy
half a torn hundred-dollar bill for a favor. The bad guy would earn the other half after
the job was finished. Jimmy tore the winning ticket in two, just like the detective had
done with the hundred-dollar bill.
My husband left me half of the torn ticket and told me to bring it with me. He’s still
there waiting for me. I have to say that these last three weeks have been the happiest
ones since we were married.
I guess he’ll come home someday when he realizes what a chump he is. I’m gonna start
playing that lottery. If I ever win, I will share my winnings … with a divorce lawyer.”
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