|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
It’s that time spring forward Sunday
Remember to spring forward Sunday morning one hour. This is where the guvernment
confiscates 60 minutes from us and stores them in Nevada caves, next to the surplus
cheese, nuclear waste, and Ronco-As-Seen-On-TV products for the Christmas season. In
November, the Feds dole out that hour to us, and we are required to express thanks for
Ronco’s Ron Popeil is getting into his 80s. He is famous for the Beef Jerky Machine
that he’s developing into a portable cremation oven for home use. The reworked slogan
is, “But wait … there’s no more.”
A feller from Canada reads this newspaper. He wrote me that he broke his thumb
whilst skiing up in the fifty-first state. He was trying to relate to my back pain a couple
of weeks ago. It was really a she, but Punkin won’t let me have a lady friend who lives
with polar bears, wolves, and craft coffee houses.
Them Canadians are worried aboot their privacy. They get suspicious if you even
know what province they live in. The Quebec French don’t have that hang up. They’ll
share a hot tub with you, even a dog, or a spayed wolverine. They wear nothing but a
smile in the spa and have a Canadian open attitude aboot the boundaries of
Canada loves and abides these French-speaking folks, but they treat them like
two-year-olds cause they can’t be trusted. Quebec contains most of them, so they
can watch them. They’re like tots who play quietly with matches in a bedroom. They
start a fire, leave the room, and close the door, more like cigarette smoking, voting,
and drinking toddlers.
We have another international feller in China that gets the newspaper online.
He has no opinion on anything; not like over here where a concerned citizen, (old coot),
can complain at a town hall meeting about a pothole on his street. In China, if you
protest in public, they fill that pothole right away … with you.
Larry’s Assisted Living Facility Gift and Bon Voyage Sympathy Card Shop announced,
“We are offering the senior man’s cologne for our residents called Old Space. We also
carry tastefully discreet Do Not Resuscitate signs.”
Granddaughter Evangeline had a root canal last week. Them rites of passage make
you a better person. You can discuss it with a new friend who also had some tooth work
done. Now, you are buddies.
It’s embarrassing years later, when you see that acquaintance on the street again
and the only thing you can say is, “Hey there, you. You uh ... root canal buddy.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.