|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Bring your mule ‘Work Day’ celebrated
We celerbrated Bring Your Mule to Work Day on Friday, the 15th without problems.
Some older mules are getting too smug and vain from the attention every year. They
think they’re too good to sweat and strain too much. The Mayor said that a mention of
how many tasty barbeque sauces we have could persuade them to work more.
The Sheriff caught several of Hogspore’s mules communicating with each other.
They were conspiring to stage a Plow Down this week. That’s a stopping or restricting
the speed that a mule will pull his owner’s plow. The animals want better living
conditions and full-size feedbags like the real horses have. Sheriff Combover got wise to
their plan when he intercepted a number of their E-Mules.
The Sheriff department, all three fellers, received extra funding from the City
Commission for investigative tools that will allow the officers to open and drain
confiscated beer cans quickly for evidence. The tools also have a convenient ring
for the officers to hang their patrol car keys.
Punkin inherited her Granny’s Broadway movie CD’s and record collection. Granny’s
favorite movie, and now Punkin’s, was White Christmas. Sometimes my wife gets in a
mood and plays them for days. She just finished a five-day binge of the motion picture,
Last night I dreamed that I rounded up my friends, and we put on a musical in our
barn to raise money so my own retired army general Grandpappy could keep his farm.
My Grandpappy has been gone for some time now, but if he was a general, it weren’t
for this country. He also hated musicals and only fancied Mother Mabelle Carter.
I woke up singing with Rosemary Clooney. It turned into Punkin when I was fully
awake. I was relieved to see her cause a few seconds earlier I had been scared about
what I was about to do to Rosemary Clooney. I can’t say what it was but there were a
lotta teddy bears in the woods laying on a blanket eating sandwiches and tater salad
with me and Rosemary.
Mumford Pickens says, “Growing old is tough cause it’s harder and harder to find
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