|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
New diet tells how to curb carbs
There’s a new diet, Curb Your Carbs. Club Your Food, the first prototype that didn’t
work, involved whacking edible plants with a Paleolithic cave man club. The Curb Your
Carbs has a 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous to limit simple carbohydrates.
Like a recovering alcoholic who can’t handle taverns or hang around pals who drink,
the program’s second step is to stay away from doughnut and bakery stores. Don’t even
slowly roll your cart past the bakery section in the supermarket. In the manual, they call
that stalking and gawking.
Part of rule two is to avoid pizza and pasta. If you visit Italy, you can’t tour the Leaning
Tower of Pisa, cause it’s round, sounds like pizza, the top looks like mushrooms, and the
whole dern building is tilted like a hot pie sliding off the pan.
Another part of step two is not watching Sophia Loren movies late at night.
This could have a hidden meaning, but I wouldn’t understand.
If anyone cares, step one is: Admit that you have a problem with carbs. A full size
mirror is mighty helpful in that process.
I had some thoughts when I woke up, but it wasn’t me. I probably was channeling
the legendary steroid monster named Prednisone. It’s a pill for inflammation and pain.
You take it over a four-day period in tapering doses. I’m on my third day. It can make
you happy and or it can get you real emotional.
I got a back sprain in the barn. I’d tell you what happened but it’s more interesting
not to know. Doc Spicer saw me and said I‘d be better soon, specially if I don’t do what
I did in the barn again.
This morning, I was watching a few reruns of The Andy Griffith Show. I sez to Punkin,
“That Sheriff Andy Taylor might be the finest human being that ever lived. He’s always
helping other folks and handing out moral tales to live your life by.”
I couldn’t go on for a minute; I was tearing up. I continued, “I imagine any feller that
puts in 30 years of law enforcement would feel that this was the greatest television
presentation in history.” I used the word “feel” instead of “think” since I mighta been
Here are the thoughts that I had this morning. “People are more complex than they
seem. The most important person in the world is the one that is standing in front of you
talking to you.”
Now, if you see me on the street and call me a Sissy for saying this, then you and me
are gonna have a rowdydow … until we both get tired, shake hands, see a movie, maybe
Titanic or Beaches, and later meet the gang at the Soda Shoppe for malteds.
At my x-ray exam at noon, I tried out my theory. The tech gabbed with me for 30
minutes after the test. I made a new best friend. I’m not sure cause the Prednisone is
doing the talking. I would take a bullet for that technician. Not a fast moving bullet,
maybe only gently lobbed at me … but still … a bullet.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.