|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Sara Suspenders has been encouraging her husband, Jimmy, to sign up for the next
course on homemade soap making offered at the Hogspore Community Center. It’s only
6 dollars and includes all the material and supplies needed to come up with two bars of
naturally scented homemade soap.
Jimmy’s always working on his truck and coming in the house with grease on him.
Maybe if he learns how to make his own suds, he’ll use them to wash his hands more
Thursday is Valentine’s Day. My advice is to pay four times what you planned to
spend on a gift, and that don’t count the mushy card expressing your love, written by a
copywriter right out of journalism school in a cramped windowless office in Kansas City,
Don’t buy a cheap card and cut out the part that tells where it comes from or the
price. It ain’t like a present where you lop off the price tag. You want everyone to realize
that you’re a classy feller that don’t hand out cards made in China. Even a Chinese
woman would be offended if her beau give her something made in China.
Any man over 25 knows that these rules only apply to men. Naw, it’s not fair, but
that’s just the way it is. Anything a female buys you as a gift or does something nice
for you is probably more than you deserve anyway. Get used to it.
The town is celerbrating Bring your Mule to Work Day on the third Friday in February.
It’s no coincidence that it’s so close to Valentines. That’s cause we have a genuine
fondness for our mules. They’re more like family than a beast of burden. Most of them
will join us at the dinner table for reunions or special hollerday meals. Those are some
special times, and they behave better than regular family. They never say anything
mean or act sarcastically. They’re mighty thoughtful about using their napkins, but we
don’t ever ask the mules to pass the gravy.
It might be premature to announce this, but I think I’m gonna be asked to host the
Oscars this year. I’ll only introduce the presenters and offer a few insider Hollywood
jokes. I hope there’s no wardrobe failures. Punkin has double stitched my formal
overalls, so I’m good.
Mumford Pickens pointed out to me that all politicians already have term limits. Their
term ends when they die.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.