|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Mayor Ringer touched off the ceremonial bonfire signifying the end of Pie Week last
Thursday night. Fifty stacked fat pine wood logs soaked in 20 gallons of lard danced into
the starry sky. That’s how the Mayor described the sight. It was really more like we
brought a flock of burnt geese raining down on the crowd. It weren’t such a bad thing.
After seven days with those pie carbohydrates, folks were relishing to dig into some
Dr. Turnleftandcough is the high school football team doctor. He specializes in hernias.
I walked into his office and said, “Sorry, Doc, I didn’t mean to interrupture exam.”
“It’s all right; I’m not busy. In fact, Hogspore seems to be rupture-free. Maybe I can add
that to the Chamber of Commerce brochure.”
I sez, “I was only making a joke anyway, Doc.”
“And, indeed, it was a most fine one, sir.”
I sez, “Guess you’ve heard it before?”
“Nope, this is the first time …. today.”
I reached out to shake his hand hello, and he slipped on a rubber glove. I musta
looked scared. He laughed, “Clet, I wasn’t gonna give you an exam. It’s the flu season.
I’m just trying to stay healthy.”
I told Mumford Pickens what happened, and he related what he saw in the news.
“A business makes a tissue that offers you a cold. They have ten paid sick sufferers who
blow their noses into tissues. The company seals them, the tissues, not the noses, in a
Petri dish and sells it for eighty dollars. You can schedule a cold when it’s more
convenient instead of waiting to get ill on your own.
If you’re planning a vacation, rub the germ-laden rag in your sniffer a week or two
before your days off and your cold will be over before you leave for vacation. It might
be worth it when you got a skin diving trip coming up. There ain’t nothing messier than
coughing through a snorkel or sneezing into a face mask.”
Remember that the Generic Feminine Protection Factory up on Clear Creek closes
this month for their annual month-long employee hollerday. Most of the workers
escape town, mainly to get warmer. Jim Fellows from Accounting is taking his family to
Florida Disney World. He said, “Maybe we’ll see the winning Super Bowl quarterback
there. He’ll probably be setting in a rehab hot tub, searching for his missing knees.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.