|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Pie Week broke crust last Friday. I have a foggy memory of reading about baked
delicacies in the Garden of Eden, cept nothing with apples. Mayor Ringer dug into the
40-foot Cherry Pie with the Official City Shovel for groundbreaking ceremonies. He hired
Jimmy Suspenders to scour the shovel first with a steel wool pad till all evidence was
gone from the start of construction on the manure processing plant from a month ago.
Saturday night was Walk the Crust. The contestants had to stroll across the 40-feet
Cherry dessert without breaking into the filling. The first one who didn’t fall into the red
goodness was Carlos Schwartz. He gave credit for winning to a technique he learned in a
Tony Robbins book.
We got Ground Hog Day coming up this week. Some folks from PETA will be here to
protest inconveniencing a sleeping groundhog. Most people think PETA stands for
People Eating Tasty Animals. Morton Trubletoof thinks differently. When he heard that
they were coming, he donated some notebook paper and pencils to distribute to the
visiting parents and teachers.
We have a town ordinance about keeping your lawn cut, but Mayor Ringer has made
an executive amendment. In his fondness for a tasty hot baked potato every supper, he
decreed that, “Any citizen who exclusively grows chives instead of grass in their yard
does not have to maintain any specified height. City crews will mow it and drop off the
‘grass’ clippings at his Honor’s house, with no charge to the homeowner.”
We had a total government shutdown Thursday when Sheriff Riley Combover
misplaced the keys to his squad car and the front door of City Hall. The Mayor saved
the Sheriff by declaring a hollerday. Riley found the keys at home in a bag of Cheetos
on his couch.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.