|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Morton Trubletoof takes up golf
Morton Trubletoof has taken up golf. He don’t know much about the game. He thinks
Tiger Woods is a forest where Winnie the Pooh lives. There’s no real course here in
town, but we do have a closed miniature course. It’s part of Old Man Sumner's theme
park, which includes The Pond Slide and a concession stand. Pirate’s Gulch was once full
of seafaring adventures and western cowboy action. It ain’t open to the public, but
Morton gets to practice there.
The place is weeds now. On hole 6, a pine sapling grows through the alligator’s
mouth. The windmill on cup 7 has one blade left. Sumner tried to reattach the other
three blades, but they kept falling off, so it was all in vane.
The Hanging Tree Hole has the original Joshua tree. The noose, (The Necktie Party,
Par 1) is hanging from a low limb. A plaque lists the scores: Tree = 47 Hangings.
Broken Rope = Zero.
There’s a dogleg on number 9. You have to putt under the lifted dog’s leg at the red
fire hydrant. Sometimes my dog Ol Slump goes with Morton. He has his own special
custom-made club called a Hairy Putter.
Morton is contemplating moving to Florida to play golf year-round. He’s still in
training and drops by Sheriff Riley Combover’s office in the mornings. Riley zaps him
with his taser. Each day, he increases the voltage. Morton figures that in a couple of
months, there will be enough resistance built up that he could hoof it through the
Florida lightning storms.
The High School Choir is working on the senior graduation in May. The singers are
rehearsing an inspiring song that represents the school’s motto: “Do what you can, and
then quit.” They’re gonna favor us with the show tune, “Climb Every Other Mountain.”
There was some flak about the Vegan talk in last week’s news. Here’s another take on
a real man’s diet, the Carbon-Based Program. Even if you’re a hunter, any carbon-based
food is fair game. It’s the taste you grew up with. There is even a catchy phrase to say
when dinner is ready, “Carbon, get it.”
The Hogspore Elementary Spelling Bee was Friday. It went off without a hitch …
Mumford Pickens says, “We don’t need the government to shut down, we need the
government to shut up.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.