|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Real mild winter in Little Rock
Cousin Vinny is visiting for a while due to the weather in Little Rock. They must be
having a real mild winter cause he said, “I had to get out a town; the heat is on.”
I don’t know what he does for a living cept he’s doing well and sporting a rental car.
He’s not staying with us. He’s bunking with Duncan Winslow’s family down in the Holler,
something about needing to lay low.
My cousin could be in the entertainment field, maybe a professional wrestler.
He wants us to call him The Enforcer. He said, “In the state capitol, I’m well-connected.”
I asked, “Is that like the-family-of-man where we’re all brothers and sisters or do you
mean that you’re not like the fellers at the sawmill? You still got all your parts.”
The Enforcer said, “No, I have some special friends that do me favors. But, I gotta tell
you a secret about me. I am a Vegan.”
I was somewhat relieved. I was getting to think that he was gonna tell me he’s from
the old country. I used “the old country” cause I didn’t want to offend any ethnic group.
I changed the subject. “How do you get your protein if you just eat vegetables?”
“You don’t worry about that. In Little Rock … I know a guy. Clet, you should try the
“Yeah, it probably would be healthy, but I’ll still take command over a stack of bacon
every morning and maybe two steaks a week for supper. Course, I‘m sticking with my
routine lunch, a Double Cheeseburger with Irregular Fries at Maude and Freddy’s Come-
Vinny come back with, “Do the Vegan. It’d stop you from getting colds and flu,
or a more serious health issue. Even a broken arm.”
“Are you saying that if I won’t go Vegan, you will break my arm?”
“That’s not funny. Punkin is standing right here, so I have a witness.”
Vinny said, “Only kidding Cuz, that’s not what I meant. I won’t never do nothing like
that. Why … you’re family.”
Punkin added, “If we did Vegan, we could start naming our pets again.”
I might try a Vegan diet to see how it goes. Folks are sposed to feel better if they don’t
eat meat. That last sentence give my backbone a chill, like a bad thing was gonna
Vegans can’t even spout the word meat. If it ain’t Vegan, then it’s Non-Vegan.
They’re scared that if they hear the “M” word, they’ll wander outside and roll on
their backs in a dead carcass. Incidentally, buzzards are the only ones allowed
If I had a couple hundred acres, I would keep a mule named Tolerable for
transportation, instead of a truck. But, forget Vegan. When Tolerable wore out
and got expensive with the vet bills, I’d hold an outdoor roast. I savor a recipe
from the islands, for Jerk Mule.
Notice the number of times the word Vegan is in this news. It’s like you were sitting
at a dinner table with a Vegan that talked too much about Vegan.
Mumford Pickens had some thoughts. “They say no man is an island. I disagree.
I say not atoll. Even The Terminator said, ‘Isle be back.”’
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.