|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Last day of year, time for reflection
It’s the last day on the calendar. Like the customers in a fun house of mirrors or a three-
bedroom narcissist’s home, it is a time for reflection. Here’s the good part; the sunny
side of the day is getting longer.
Big doings tonight. The Pumpkin Roll Off happens at midnight. By now, Abner
Wingknuckle’s prize winning 300-pound squash is poised on the courthouse roof.
Mayor Ringer is gonna shove that orange squash at 12:00 am. He’s tying himself to
the roof, so we won’t have an episode like last New Year’s Eve.
What delivered the Mayor from harm was that the pumpkin had started to turn to
mush in the sun and made his fall survivable. When his Honor landed, he shouted,
“Well, I’ll busta custard,” and then he fainted.
I was walking through our kitchen and noticed the homemade blueberry pie on the
table. There was enough left to qualify as a generous slab.
I told Punkin in the living room that I thought it had talked. I never have much exciting
to say, so she wasn’t listening to me. I sez again, “I think that pie spoke to
me in the kitchen.”
She still wasn’t impressed and said, “Where would you expect it to talk to you …
except in the kitchen?”
I knew she was at least hearing me cause she was sarcastic about it. She followed
up with, “Sure nuff, what did the pastry declare to you? Please tell me everything …
I sez, “I was proceeding past that lonely slab, and it whispered to me, ‘Hey Sailor.’”
Here’s some consumer advice: Spend your gift cards real soon. A heap of the
companies might be closing up shop, so melt that gift at their register right now.
I enjoy giving out money saving tips. If you can’t use your cards at once, then
send them to me in care of the newspaper, and I will consume them as quick as I can.
Glad to help out.
Mumford Pickens says. “You either have a truck loan payment or you get a truck repair
every month … and sometimes, you get both.”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
to you each week.
No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.