|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Depressed, Pappy says just walk it off
Christmas is the best day of the year, specially if your divorce is final on the same day.
Even if you’re stuck paying alimony, you can still experience the joy of giving
throughout the whole calendar.
If you are as sad as a clam sitting in a hot tub of chowder, then there’s a reason.
This time of year can be depressing. As my Pappy used to say, “Walk it off, boy.”
For the rest of us that don’t feel like ending it all cause the stuffing didn’t come
out right or the apple pie collapsed, have a great hollerday.
Harley Spears doesn’t normally celerbrate. He’s trying to do better. He trimmed
his home and front lawn with lights; not lights so much as empty lite beer cans.
There ain’t no businesses open on the 25th, not even Larry’s Funeral Home.
The convenient after-hours-drop-off bin is always available in the parking lot.
Larry knows everyone in town, so there’s no need to leave a note.
Mayor Ringer announced that the state-of-the-art recycling plant is breaking ground in
January. Now your paper and plastic waste is gonna be repurposed. The city will sell the
salvaged materials to offset our garbage bills.
At first, folks was upset cause we get our drinking water from Clear Creek.
The engineers guaranteed that there would never be a problem with pollution
since the plant on Clear Creek was gonna be over twenty miles further upstream
We wish you folks in the real world, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
See you at the Court House Pumpkin Drop on New Year’s Eve.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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