|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Reindeer pulling the Christmas floats
Citizens are getting ready for Christmas, but first we got to plow through the
Christmas Parade on Sunday. Reindeer are pulling the floats, well not exactly reindeer,
more like John Deere. Santa is riding in the last float with his bag of endless toys.
The parade theme is Do-It-Yourself. Santa will hand out unassembled toy kits for
the Mammies and Pappies to shove together. The instructions come with two pints of
untaxed whiskey to help the parents slap those gifts into shape, and still have fun doing
It’s always hard to pick out the perfect present. Remember how upset Joseph was
when a Wise Guy give Frankincense and Myrrh, (dried sap), to his newborn son. What’s
a baby sposed to do with incense? Plus, the stable owner ain’t gonna allow an open
flame, what with all that hay in there.
Diversity Week starts today. We ain’t the most diverse town in America but for seven
days, we can claim any heritage background that we want. Chief Sitting Quietly of the
Cherokee tribe is pretending to be a third generation used truck salesman named
Skeeter. Old Man Grimely is taking on the role as a singer in a boy band. He’s having
trouble with the dance routine since he’s using a walker from his recent hip surgery.
Good husbands flatter their wives, even Monsieur Pierre Curie. When his wife got
gussied up to go out line dancing, he would say, “Maria, You look radiant.”
Pierre knew something was wrong when he could still read in bed at night from
Mumford Pickens says, “As I get older, the amount of folks needed to form a large
group of friends keeps getting smaller.”
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