|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Burgers, Brats, Tater Salad Day
It’s Homemade Tater Salad with Mayonnaise Day. The Sheriff surrounded the Town
Rectangle with yellow crime scene tape and the food tables are set up. Tater Salad
starts getting plopped onto citizen’s plates at 3 PM. Sheriff Combover and his three
deputies are officiating the grill, turning out burgers and brats. The brats are not
children from the orphanage. It’s short for Bratwursts. The rotisserie ragamuffins
never really caught on.
Sam and Ella Foodbourne first kicked off this thing, but now they’re too old to create
the Tater Salad. Once their cement mixer broke, Bickum’s Hardware took over the
duties of the official recipe.
We got a new doctor. He’s not a DDS, DO, DVM, MD, or PhD. Darnell Smitefeather
is a Shaman who graduated from Hogspore High in 2011 with the last name of Rogers.
He earned his two-year degree in only four years at the Mena, Arkansas Vocational
School of Natural Arts and Welding.
Darnell changed his last name to Smitefeather after an epiphany with a spicy
chicken sandwich, while working at a Chick-fil-A. Then he moved back home and
has his office/trailer out on Highway 71, next to Madam Stinger’s Psychic Readings.
Doc Smitefeather claims that he can heal most anything, but specializes in Pneumonia,
broken right arms, and Dropsy. He raises herbs and builds his own
drums. You don’t need an appointment cause Madam Stinger can tell him when
you’re setting out to see him. Most folks know that shamans usually carry on in a
trance and Arkansas seems to be a mighty altered state to do it in.
Madam Stinger and Shaman Darnell have become good neighbors … but now she’s
missing four of her cats.
I was filling in Mumford Pickens about Darnell, and he asked me a riddle: “What does
a juvenile shaman’s mother say when supper’s ready?” Answer = “Shaman Get It.”
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