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2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Hogspore suffering from carbohydrate depletion
Hogspore is back to normal after Thanksgiving. No more turkey; the stuffing ran out
on Friday. Normal might be the wrong description. The town is suffering from excess
carbohydrate depletion, and we’re grumpy. Preacher warned us Sunday to put on a
happy face, keep on giving thanks throughout the whole year, (specially when the
collection plate passes by), and don’t kill anybody when they jump in line, even the
ones that aren’t in wheelchairs.
There ain’t a gobbler within forty miles of town. Them scared birds are laying low in
the snow on the highest peak, Mount Oops.
Doc Spicer suggested a substitute treatment to keep up our spirits; unlimited crisp
bacon and biscuits was top on his list. Now all the hogs are up there shivering in the
mountains with the turkeys. The flour, lard, and butter didn’t get the word, so they’re
We have the annual Bird Calling Competition this Saturday coming up. You can hear
competitors practicing in their trucks or whilst waiting for their biscuits and bacon at
Maude and Freddie’s Come-On-Give-Us-One-More-Chance Diner.
We did have an altercation at Smartins Grocery yesterday when Bernice Onderug
was waiting in the checkout lane. She was practicing her famous Gobbler-Getting Call
in front of Chester Wikkey. Bernice had sprained her ankle and was setting in a rental
That didn’t stop Chester, who worked on Thanksgiving and missed dinner and the
trimmings. He give it up, stuck his walking stick through her spokes, and cut in line
ahead of her. That wouldn’t have got him thrown in jail, but he still weren’t calmed
down when Sheriff Combover arrived. He took a wild swing at the sheriff and woke up
in the pokey.
Some good come out it, cause the sheriff’s wife brought him a hot meal before they
released him. Mr. Wikkey had himself a big platter of leftover hollerday turkey,
dressing, mashed taters, greened-up beans, hot yeast rolls, gravy, and punkin pie.
November is National Sleep Comfort Month and International Drum Month.
Ain’t much sleep when folks are beating their drums.
You can contact Clet Litter at email@example.com.
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