The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                               Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                By Clet Litter
                                               Scientists trying to find alien life

  I seen where scientists are aiming a laser beam out into the universe to attract alien
life. They are setting their sights mighty high cause they’re expecting to find folks just as
intelligent as we am.  

  The lab coat boys first tested the laser on earth. They pointed it at a country saloon
out on the highway and then directly at Washington, DC. They didn’t see any evidence
of intelligence in either one, but the two-stepping dance bar seemed like a nice place to

  Can you recollect the feller who invented gunpowder? Yeah, I can’t either. Nobody got
his name when his parts left for the coast. This is like poking a bear with a stick to see if
he’s sleeping.

  Picture a deer during hunting season, out in a meadow, yelling, “Hey hunters, here
I am. I’m right here. I hope you come in peace. Please don’t shoot me and take my hide
back to your planet.”

  It’d be a better idea to stalk space critters from our own rocket ship blinds. When we
finally discover another smart planet, we gotta remember to approach upwind.   

  The next traditional hollerday coming is Thanksgiving. Hardy Barkins is taking orders
for his homegrown gobblers. You can drop by the night before and pick up your bird.
Most folks pay the extra five dollars for dressing out the main course. That way, they
won’t have to look into Tom’s eyes, knowing that the governor ain’t gonna call to stop it.

  Hardy said, “Prices are lower this year for the same plump quality meat, cause I’m
making a lot of money selling the turkey feathers to crafters clear across the Ozarks.”

  A few of the paltry poultry too puny to grace a table yet, are hoping that Hardy
decides to keep the birds around for a feather farm.

  You can contact Clet Litter at


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