|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Harley Spears serves dusty waxed fruit to costumers
Here’s an update on mean Harley Spears, what lives out in the county. He didn’t do
anything illegal on Hollerween, but he did play some ornery tricks on the costumers
that come to his home, expecting a treat. He set out a tub of Dollar Major Store stale
candy for the little fellers. Beside it was a box of dusty waxed fruit for any tiny vegan-
raised pale children.
At 8 p.m., he put out some jack o’ lanterns on the porch and switched on the lights in
the front of his house. As soon as kids reached the steps, he turned off the lights. He sat
chuckling inside while the fairy princesses and transformers kept yelping “Trick or Treat”
and ringing the doorbell.
Once they left with no treats and got to the road, Harley turned on the lights, and
they come running back. When they were at the porch, the lights shut off again. He
enjoyed a second laugh, till they became whiny and left.
Harley Spears probably weren’t born mean, but he’s spent his whole life working on
it, so he’s an expert now.
Me and Punkin celerbrated our wedding anniversary on Friday. I promised her that
I would take her to a restaurant that didn’t have a drive-through window. I also
excluded barbeque places, but most of em have drive-through windows anyway.
Barbeque drive-through sorta goes together with fat lazy folks who don’t want to get
out of their truck to eat.
It’s also refreshing to know that the politicians in this state are listening to the people.
There’s a law now that a doughnut shop has to have at least two drive-through lanes.
I was carried away talking about food. I give Punkin a night on the town with a set
down restaurant with a real tablecloth and silverware, stead of plastic. I’d see a shrink
about it, if I could find one next door to an acceptable diner.
I also give her a necklace that I made in Men’s Bible Study class on Tuesdays. We get
free doughnuts, and we don’t talk about our sins or how we can be better men. Making
crafts keeps us busy and out of trouble.
My wife give me a rehabbed easy chair from the thrift store for our anniversary.
It’s mighty comfortable, and being from Goodwill, it still keeps me humble. I also
wanted to pass on something I heard about Good Will. If you know of a dirt-poor couple
that is planning a wedding, they can register at the Good Will.
Mumford Pickens says, “Here are some words that you’re not gonna hear in the big
city, ‘Switchback, Slough, and Five Corners.’”
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.