|The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
Hogspore News from the Ozarks
By Clet Litter
Changes planned for Hollerween
Hollerween is gonna change this year. The churches are doing their best to keep the
devil out, what with their own celebrations like Trick or Trunk. The local cab company,
the big one with the four cars, has a special promotion for that night called Trick, Drunk,
and Free ride home in the Trunk.
Our wedding anniversary is coming up on November 2. I always have to warn folks not
to get us gifts. I don’t want to use this newspaper for ill-gotten gains. The only ill-gotten
gain I ever received was a cold or flu from someone.
My warnings are working. Nobody got us nothing so far, not even a note from my
insurance agent, Grace Period. I didn’t receive a lame calendar from her this year either.
Maybe I need to increase my coverage, so she can afford to honor me with a cheap
calendar with her business information plastered on it.
The beautiful snow-covered Christmas scene from last December didn’t need to show
Grace steering a reindeer sleigh with a huge bag of policies for her premium paying
good little girls and boys.
Me and the Missus took in the Bean Fest and Championship Outhouse Races in
Mountain View, Arkansas this weekend. Friday afternoon on the courthouse square,
we enjoyed folk, bluegrass, Cajun, and gospel music, sometimes all at the same time.
Early Saturday morning, 30 cast-iron pots, full of plump pinto beans, commenced to
cook. The outhouse racers sampled the pintos before the public showed up at noon.
Some of those contestants put away five to six bowls of beans with plenty of cornbread
for sopping. Some were just eating the beans alone, going at it nonsop. They were
hoping for a little more weight for the downhill race at one p.m.
There were trial runs at 12:30 p.m. for the portable potties. The sheds made it down
the hill, and they were sound enough for the upcoming race. The officials had to delay
the start. That gave the road crew the opportunity to clean up the area and hose off the
effects of a bumpy, sloping, slopping street and bellies jammed packed with digested
Two things will not happen again. The competitors won’t be able to eat all the beans
they can before the race, and they’re gonna remove the word “Runs” from the trials.
You can contact Clet Litter at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just click on the e-mail address below and ask for the weekly column to be delivered
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No one will ever know that you read this kind of stuff.