The Funniest Newspaper Column
in the Country
Hogspore News
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
2008 First Place Humor Column
                                                   Hogspore News from the Ozarks
                                                                    By Clet Litter

                                                  Contortionist dies of the bends

   Mumford Pickens told me about a contortionist who retired from the circus and took
up scuba diving as a hobby. He said, “Ironically, the gymnast died of the bends.”
   Old Man Grimely was telling me about not sleeping so well. “Clet, I’m on up there in
age, and I was waking up a lot at night. My mattress was lumpy, so I bought a new one.
It’s working out real dandy. Yesterday, I slept the entire night through, like a baby.”

   I sez, “So you actually snoozed the whole time … just like a baby?”


   I sez, “Does that mean that you wet the bed?”


   Dr. Brace Gumm now has a website for his dental business, if he can keep his wife
off the site with her silly poems, like this one:
   An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
   When ready to fall, it starts to feel looth.

   Agate Robbins is getting married. He’s been a widow for a few years. He fell in love
with an Alto in the church choir, second row, third from the left. When Abner first talked
to her, he said, “I like the way you fill out a robe.”

   His sophisticated pickup line won her over. I gotta say that Abner has a mighty
imagination cause those choir robes are about as modest as they can be for church folks.

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